Establishing a Connection with Daily Success Dialogue
Talking signifies knowledge. Listening signifies wisdom.
Deepening the connection in the marriage requires that you are both able to listen and both able to share. Often, one of us has more words to say and can have a tendency to over-talk the other person. We can use compound, run-on sentences and go on using examples to illustrate our position on whatever the issue may be. Unfortunately, people with lots to say can exhaust the other person. The result is emotional withdrawal and disconnection.
On the other hand, there are people who have too few words to say. They have learned to keep their voices quiet and keep their opinions to themselves. They have difficulty saying what they want or what they feel. It’s important to remember that they so in fact, have lots of thoughts and feelings, they are just not able to express themselves. Their non-communication creates anxiety in the other person and results in disconnection.
Neither position is easier or better than the other. They both create conditions in the marriage that prevent the flow of energetic communication.
It’s important to remember that we each have a style…too much, or too little. We have learned these adaptations throughout our lives. More often than not, the style begins early in childhood. We come into this world with our own temperaments and we learn communication by observing our family members. Families each have expectations of members and especially of children. Some children are expected to be quiet while other people are encouraged to express themselves. Whatever the expectation, the impact of those expectations will follow us through life.
There is a way to begin an intimate conversation again. I have worked with couples who have endured years of disconnection, a complete lack of verbal intimacy, and suffer from deep despair. Luckily, one of them has enough hope left to reach out for help, often as a last-ditch effort.
Establishing a connection again depends on each person’s desire to create a new and better relationship in conjunction with creating a sense of emotional safety for each person. Safety can only happen when there is no fear of blame, shame, judgment, or criticism.
Most people are not very good listeners. We are generally busy figuring out what to say next or how to convince the other person that they are wrong about something or other. Your ability to listen will determine the quality of your relationship.
Ingredients of a healthy relationship include:
Sharing something positive about your beloved every day.
Sharing something new about yourself.
Sharing curiosity, concern, or confusion about your relationship.
Being able to ask for change and offering a solution.
Verbalizing hope.
The flow is from something positive to aspects that might be difficult and ending with something to look forward to today.
This is the script:
1. Something I appreciate about you today is.....
2. Something new about me today is........
3. Something I’m either curious, confused, or concerned about is......
4. Something I’ve noticed is........and, what would work better for me is.........
5. A hope I have for us today is.............
One of you shares all five things while the other just listens without making comment. Be sure to be very specific and concrete. Speaking in generalities will rarely get you what you want.
Remember to breathe slowly and to smile.
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